Hate me but love me too
by kiminitodoke
Summary: It started twistedly. He was twisted, so it was only natural that he could twist my insides at a flick of his finger or tongue. He made it so that I never wanted to wake up from the addicting nightmare that was he.
1. Chapter 1

Another story? Sorry! I had this idea and I had to write it down. Anyways, enjoy and review! Also, ACE is not finished! There is going to be so much more sexy time between Sebastian and Ciel. Please review both for updates!

He likes to bully me. He has been doing it since we were kids and met in the sandbox in kindergarten. It was fine then. He called me names like demon and freak and sometimes he would pull at my hair or take my snacks. Those kind of things lasted until we reached middle school. By that time, he changed is tactics. I guess it was around the time we hit puberty. I remember it vividly. It was the start of the second semester when I finally snapped on him. I was a pacifist by nature, but he started to turn his attention to one of my only friends, and I couldn't allow him to do that without any kind of resistance. So I stood up to him and demanded that he finally stop tormenting my friend and I. To just leave me alone. I purposely had chosen a spot where the wasn't a lot of people because I did not want anyone to face his rage, but I knew the second he grabbed me that I was wrong. Wrong to consider everyone else's safety when I should have been worrying about myself. Wrong to think for even a second that he would take mercy on me and just stop, stop taunting me, hurting me, and destroying my childhood. Oh, how deadly wrong was i to actually believe that words were the worst things he could do to me.

That day, I went home in tears. When my parents questioned me about my inconsolable grief, I refused to tell them. I couldn't admit to myself or them that he could ever do something so horrid to me. Yes, he was a bully, but he was my age. He was my age yet how could he do that to me? I thought that maybe this was a one time deal. I tried to make sure it was by trying to become invisible. I switched classes. I stopped talking to other people. I stopped living, but he couldn't leave me be. He changed his schedule to fit mine. He made sure that he sat by me. He scared anyone from even being close to me though I didn't want interactions with them. He made me a walking corpse.

Since then, I could never create any type of relationship with another. He wouldn't allow me, and I was so repulsed by myself that I couldn't even try to gather the strength to be with someone. What sickened me the most was that my body didn't desire a girl or for that matter, a boy. No, he made it an absolute that my battered soul and physical form would belong to no one.

It was when I entered high school that I realized that I, in fact, belonged to someone. I belonged to him. I was his. Completely his. I would like to fool myself at times and pretend for a second that I owned me, but it only lasted for a second because at the end of the day, he haunted my thoughts, my dreams, and my life. He monopolized me, and it was so obvious to everyone and yet, they left me. Deserted me when I needed help. I understood my classmates. He had power from his family, and he was intimidating. I can even allow leniency to my teachers because they probably feared for their lively hood. However, I could never forgive my parents who willingly let him into our house. I could never give them a genuine smile because they wouldn't be able to distinguish if it was one or not. They were tricked by him, and I hated how naive they were despite the signs.

It was also in high school that his attacks grew more vicious. Cruel because he started to deceive even me. He started to make me believe that maybe he was doing all this for a reason. That he just wanted to be with me. Why would he touch me the way that he did when we were thirteen? Why would he force kisses on a person he had no attraction to? And what bothered me the most is that a demented part of me wanted him to like me in that way. After all that he put me through, it would be reassuring to know that it was all because of a crush gone wrong. I don't know if I felt that way about him though. It was hard to grasp anything when he would slide his hand down my pants, moving past my elastic band of my underwear. When it was over, I was left buzzed with the high my orgasm caused, and he always managed to fake affection and dot on me. He left me confused. If it was just him molesting and being nice to me, I would have probably fall in love with him, but the day that followed, he would treat me like the lowest piece of scum on the earth. So I was left dizzy with his polar actions. Yes, Ciel had the recipe to make me wish with all my heart that he would die, but also pray with all my being that he would be with me forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Way too short. I know, but I have recently been forced to take care of a baby goat and my time is limited, but I hope whoever reads enjoys and reviews! Just in case anyone forgot, this story is pretty messed up. Keep that in mind for future chapters, kay?

It was when we were sophomores when he stopped molesting me... Stopped is not the right word. Progressed is what I should have used because he was no longer just satisfied with dragging me to the nearest bathroom stall and forcing his hands on me. No longer appeased with my mouth that he occupied in the isolated forest or behind the bleachers of the football field. No longer. He wanted more and so he got it. And I could do nothing but wait for him. Wait for him to use and abuse my body and my already battered heart.

The confusion that I mentioned earlier only increased after the first time we had sex. I couldn't label it as rape because a part of me, that small but slowly accumaliting part of me that was deranged wouldn't let me call it anything but consensual. I especially couldn't deny that I wanted it when he named what we did as 'making love'. He refused to say that we were fucking or having sex, no matter how fast or rough he was with me. No, to him, it was always the art of love making. Every time he said it and every time we did it, I truly believed that we were creating love for each other. That the more times we were pressed against each other, the more times that I clung to him, the more times that he held me, the more times that we just had more time together, I felt that we were falling in love. Falling in a psychotic form of love. Until we weren't.

The start of junior year was the start of my true break down. I had always thought that if Ciel were to switch to bullying someone else, I would be happy. I could forget the lack of life he caused with his existence but the opposite happened. The new semester never meant a new person for him, but this year, it did. It was this meek boy. Sweet, baby-faced, and similar in a way to Ciel. His name was just as unique. Finnian. At first, when Ciel ignored me, I just thought it was him trying to entice me to act first. Like it was just another game to entertain him. So I waited a week before I approached him. I gathered all my courage and walked to his locker where he was at the moment. He was alone, but I knew he wouldn't be because he had somehow manage to get Finnian to meet him there every free period. I cleared my throat when I was next to him, trying to get his attention, but when he turned to me, when I knew his eyes clearly saw me, I did not have his anything. He was looking through me, not at me. Like I was a ghost and nothing more. I asked him, "What's wrong?" His response was to close his locker and leave. Those would be the only words I would say to him for the month. It's not like I did not want to speak to him. I did. His sudden silent treatment left me inexplainily hollow. I should have felt happy seeing him with someone else, but I felt more lifeless than I ever imagined. And maybe that was because I had grown so accustomed to his presences and his actions that without them, I did not know what to do with myself, yet...I knew that was not the case. I just missed plainly and simply missed him. It was wrong. I knew that but I couldn't deny it any longer. I loved him.

But even that would change. Once that month passed, I tried again. And again. And again. He never gave me an embrace, a touch, a look, or even a word. It was like he did not want to realize that I was there, and so, I waited until he would finally see me. It never happened. I watched him watch Finnian. Watched as he held him close. Watched as he placed kisses on Finnian's forehead, nose, and lips. Watched as Finnian's reluctance transitioned to acceptance to reciprocation. Watched as they slowly fell in love. Watched as Ciel completely replaced me with him. And while I watched, my revolting feelings of love I had for him morphed into what it should have been from the beginning: Hate. I hated him. Hated him for choosing me and toying with my body and my heart. I hated him for making me incapable of taking interest in someone else. I hated him for leaving me. I hated him for getting someone new. Someone who was better than me. I hated him for making me love him.

Since I was released physically from the chain he kept me on, I thought I could finally start living. It was a thought and nothing more because I couldn't just pick up my life as easily as it took Ciel to drop me. I spent that year observing him be happy without me. As I observed, I finally understood that I was truly alone. I had no company. He made it an absolute that no one would seek me out, so I kept to myself. Always secluded from everyone, and frankly, I did not want anyone around the me that was reliant and strung out on Ciel. I did not want anyone to know how unrepairable I truly was on the inside. I did not want anyone to know. So while he was with his new pet, my heart was still helplessly chained to the memories of Ciel and I. The memories that were now precious yet tainted. The chain that reassured me that the past had, in fact, happened and was not a delusion on my part. The chain which clearly meant that I was attached to the man who both ruined and saved me.

That chain wouldn't break until I met Vincent. Vincent Phantomhive. Ciel's father.


End file.
